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This is a wonderful story, dear. I usually avoid commenting as personal as this because there might be things we as outsiders never know but I think this story would affect anyone some way or another. Please take this critique from a story point of view, not as a judgement of any personal experience.

Okay, first of all, breaking it down:

  1. Taylor is telling her father about there being really bad people in the world and it's not easy to stop them. And he tells her something that she would only remember at her lowest? This vague description is confusing so perhaps you should include what he says. Because what does he tell her? It ends too abruptly and immediately jumps to the next paragraph. And there she is saying that years later she 'would forget the comfort of my father's arms, etc.' You're implying that a little child of only six years old understands that she would forget these things. Instead of would, you could substitute it with a past tense. (e.g. I forgot) And instead of using commas (,), a semicolon ( ; ) in the last sentence would make more sense.

  2. Taylor gains a new step-mother and realizes her real parents cheated on each other in the past. Aside from the humongous first sentence (it's packed with a lot of action), Taylor says that she knew vaguely that her dad and Jen were dating. Why did she feel anger and what was this incident before? The only other thing that happened before this (as far as the reader knows) is the 6 year old Taylor and her bedtime stories. You need to clarify, what truth. Also, why is Taylor mad immediately after her father tells her that Jen is already her step-mother? Does she feel betrayal? Does she disapprove of Jen despite her saying she is okay with it? Again with the semicolons: 'I remember... ; I remember... ; I remember.' In the last line of the second last paragraph, perhaps instead of inserting a sentence in between the dialogue, you should make it two separate sentences. By separating the action from the dialogue that follows allows the reader to digest the last sentence before moving on, creating a larger impact. And here, 'The fighting increased in intensity, tensions cracked and burned, and silence was a welcome quell...'

  3. Taylor doesn't see her dad for over 6 months. 'My lungs became stone...' — this is quite an unusual metaphor especially when the whole sentence is digested together. 'For many years, this has been my secret.... Secrets made it easy for me to turn my father into a villain.' What is this? Is it the fact the she convinced herself she didn't miss him? Why would the secret make her wish that?

  4. Taylor tells her friend her dad has cancer. Did she tell her friend before or after she reconciled with her father? Why does she imply she has forgiven him when she lies about not caring?

  5. Taylor is now talking to her dad again. The conversation in the middle sidetracks the whole story. The reader would pause and go - 'wait, she is stress and thinks high school sucks?'. Maybe including somewhere when she is talking to her friend, how she dislikes high school and how people treat her. Also, it would make more sense to clarify that she is visiting her dad, not living with him as one would presume.

  6. Taylor is with her mother now and finds her old story books.

  7. Last flashback and Taylor is a big girl now. While she was mad when her own mother compared her to her father, she lets it slide when her stepmother does so. Does this mean she has matured and doesn't blame her father anymore? Where was the turning point? But we find out later that she is still 16, much younger than what we would expect comparing her attitude now with the attitude from the last time she spoke to her mother.

There is quite some repetition in places but overall, this is a well worded and touching piece. The descriptions are really detailed and imagery is really strong.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.


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